SPIN into the Past: Barbaro Is Remembered As Being The Most Charismatic Horse Since Mister Ed

January 29, 2007 was a sad day in the sports world. The Indianapolis Colts had the audacity to show up late to Miami for the Super Bowl. The nerve of the Colts. Oh yeah, speaking of the Colts, it was another sad day as Barbaro was euthanized after a long battle with cancer. Oh my bad, it wasn’t cancer it was something with his hind leg. But Barbaro will always be remembered for his charismatic ways.

Not since the days of Mister Ed has a horse grasped the hearts and minds of a nation as Barbaro did. Eight year old Shelly Faldo said that the horse brought so much into her life.

“Barbaro was my hero. I know that he was only a horse, but my mom and dad always told me to never look down on people and that we are all the same. So although Barbaro could walk and poop at the same time, me and him were the same.”

Roy and Gretchen Jackson, Barbaro’s owner, said that they will always cherish the four years the horse and them spent together.

“From the moment we had Barbaro bred, we knew that he was a one of a kind horse. He came from the heredity of Dynaformer and La Ville Rouge, two stupendous horses, so we knew the apple couldn’t fall too far from the saddle. And forget the racing aspect and the fact that this piece of crap horse won us $2.3 million in earnings, he was charismatic beyond belief. I remember times when I would go out back to the stable, just to get the lawnmower to cut the grass, and Barbaro would shoot me that glare as if to say ‘If I knew how to balance on my 2 hind legs I would cut the grass for you’. I don’t know, maybe he was only looking like that cause he had to take a piss, but I am sure that he has thought that before.”

His trainer, Michael Matz, was heartbroken by the decision to euthanize him.

“Next to Mike Tyson getting knocked out by Buster Douglas, this is the hardest thing that I have had to deal with. Barbaro was my strength and my sole purpose for existence. I don’t even know if I can go on living without those long strolls in the parks with him walking and pooping. He was a man’s thoroughbred. That 1 win at the Kentucky Derby was only the beginning. We were on our way to traveling all around the world, experiencing different parks to walk and poop in. But now, it’s no more.”

As officials searched Barbaro’s stable to recover all his possessions a letter was found which is believed to be Barbaro’s final words to the world. And it read:

Dear world,

I am free now. Free to experience what a horse of my ilk should have experienced on earth. You think I wanted to have some guy riding on me putting a hurting on my already bad back? No, I didn’t want that. I just wanted to mind my own business and graze out in the field. But nooooooooo, you damn humans always want to make some sort of game out of us animals for your enjoyment. That’s right, I am an animal. I am not human. You psychotic fans going around sending me letters and flowers. Here’s a news flash: Horses can’t read. But thank you for the flowers, roses taste delicious.

And can you please stop using the word Euthanized, whatever that means. They didn’t euthanize me, they suckered me into going out into this nice pasture to graze in. Unbeknownst to me, that pasture was filled cyanide. That’s right, they killed my ass. I guess because my injury would not allow me to race ever again, they had no use for me. But whatever, screw those bastards. It is a much better world up here in Horsey Heaven. You wouldn’t believe the immaculate parks they have up here for me to walk and poop in.

Yours truly,

Barbaro