Saying that its expectations on the field had not been met as of late, Notre Dame finally had enough and fired their coach, Charlie Weis, after a string of losing seasons. Before leaving the facility he stated, rather empathetically, that he would not be leaving the premises without his severance package. A package that he said would be very cost-effective for the University as he displayed the coupons he just received for his favorite snacks.
“Look, everyone knows that I have a sweet tooth. And one of the perks of being Notre Dame’s coach is that all of the local Walmarts and mom & pop stores send you their weekly coupon booklets. And what do you know ? Just yesterday they sent me some coupons for these lovely dessert treats. Either a pack of Swiss Rolls or Suzy Q’s. I am starting to sweat with excitement.”
Notre Dame AD, Jack Swarbrick, says he’s not quite sure if the Universities policies and procedures will allow for such a severance package as this.
“Honestly, I have never been in a position like this. Where a coach that we fired wants to bypass his money and instead take his salary in the form of desserts. So I need to do my due diligence and check to see if this is even in the school’s by-laws as something that can be done. But, if so, I am on it. By-pass millions of dollars for a few snack cakes ? I knew there was a reason that I wanted to hire this lard-ass.”
Weis said that he is looking forward to his next opportunity.
“I am disappointed that I was unable to put this fine University back on the college-football map. I just hope I have done enough to keep some hope out there from other schools. Because I am a firm believer that once God closes one door, He opens another. I just hope the next one He opens is my pantry door filled with all of these Hostess goodies. Yummy!!!”
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