Tears of a Clown

You look like MC Hammer on crack Humpty... oh ummm... In other news... Resident RNC clown Michael Steele is rumored to be resigning his RNC leadership post over the recently publicized spending debacle. RNC staffers are alleged to have run up exorbitant tabs at numerous "inappropriate" establishments, in particular a lesbian bondage themed night club in Los Angeles.

The Humpty Dance is your chance... do the hump!

Caster Semenya says shim will race again, despite IAAF’s request that shim wear a jockstrap

Caster Semenya, a South African middle-distance runner and world champion, is tired of waiting for track and field’s ruling body to release results of shim’s gender tests and plans to return to track competition. Even with their request that shim wears a jockstrap while shim runs.

“I hereby publicly announce my return to athletics competitions,” Semenya said in a very rough and masculine tone. “I am an athlete first and foremost and it is vital for my competitiveness, my well-being, and in my preparation for this event that I make sure my performance is measured up against these other athletes. And the jockstrap won’t hold me back from displaying to all those athletes how they don’t measure up to me.”

Earlier this week, Semenya was denied a spot to race at a meet in Stellenbosch, near Cape Town, despite pleas from shim coach and lawyer that shim would indeed wear a jockstrap.

“Caster said shim was not happy and that shim wants to participate,” said Greg Nott. “Shim is used to performing at the highest level of competition and all shim wants to do is get back to that point. So if that means that shim has to don a jockstrap to satisfy IAAF to be able to compete, then so be it. Shim is a performer and definitely has the balls to prove that shim is the best.”

Semenya sat in the VIP section at Stellenbosch and watched the competition, while holding shimself, like Al Bundy.

Babatunde Smith, one of the participants in the Stellenbosch meet, said that he doesn’t believe Semenya’s claim that shim is a female and thinks that shim should stick to racing against other men like shimself.

“I think that the IAAF is doing the right thing by making Caster wear a jockstrap. These competitions are supposed to be equal and no one person should have an advantage over another. But when I went to use the bathroom and saw Caster in the stall right next to me, I knew that we had a problem.”

Medical Marijuana Bill passes joint committees

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- Washington would allow people to have up to 2 ounces of marijuana a month -- enough for about a joint a day -- for medical use under a bill that moved forward Tuesday.

The bill would not allow patients to grow their own marijuana, but a committee would study whether to allow so-called "home cultivation" by patients and caregivers and make a recommendation by 2012. The bill was approved by two city government committees on Tuesday. It still needs approval of the full council, an approval that could come as early as May.

Citizens approved an initiative legalizing medical marijuana in 1998, but Congress blocked its implementation until December.

Qualifying patients would be allowed to get up to 2 ounces of dried marijuana a month under the bill, though it allows the mayor to increase that amount to 2.5 ounces.


Courtesy of the Associated Press

POTUS signs Student Loan Reform

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama prepared Tuesday to sign the piece of his sweeping health care overhaul that makes the government the primary lender to students and strips banks of that power.

Obama's hard-fought legislative victory packaged two of his domestic priorities. Obama already signed the bulk of the health care legislation, but a final set of tweaks provided a route for the education package, the largest rewrite of federal college assistance programs in four decades.

The legislation has a wide reach. About half of undergraduates receive federal student aid and about 8.5 million students are going to college with the help of Pell Grants.

Under the measure, private banks would no longer get fees for acting as middlemen in federal student loans. The government would use the savings to boost Pell Grants and make it easier for some workers to repay their student loans. In addition, some borrowers could see lower interest rates and higher approval rates on student loans.

Obama has touted the changes as a way to make college more affordable for students and their debt load more manageable after graduation. He used his weekend radio and Internet address to cite expected benefits for young people: more student lending, caps on those repayments and more money for minority colleges and universities.

"This reform of the federal student loan programs will save taxpayers $68 billion over the next decade," Obama said in his weekly address. "And with this legislation, we're putting that money to use achieving a goal I set for America: By the end of this decade, we will once again have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world."

courtesy HuffingtonPost.com

Sandra Bullock seeking divorce from Jesse James after he cheats with Susan Sarandon

Sandra Bullock, who won an Oscar this year for Best Actress in the movie "The Blind Side", will reportedly seek a divorce from her husband Jesse James. This after she discovered that he had been sleeping around with another Oscar-winning actress, Susan Sarandon.

Cheryl Teagues, a close friend of Bullock, said that Jesse is stupid for cheating on Sandra. Especially with an actress who hasn’t been relevant in the Academies for a decade.

“This makes absolutely no sense. Susan Sarandon ? At least I would have felt better if it was somebody more relevant, like Kate Winslet or something. But it’s over. After everything that has happened, it is impossible for them to get back together. So Sandra will just drown her sorrows in Bon-Bon’s and an all-day Speed marathon on USA.”

Susan Sarandon, who also won a Best Actress award for her role in the 1995 movie Dead Man Walking, apologized to her fellow actress but said that at her age she needs to get some action wherever she can get it from.

“I’m sorry if I potentially ruined a happy marriage for Sandra, I really am. But I am 63 years old and, at that age, I have to take the pipe wherever I can get it. And Jesse told me how he had a thing for Best Actress award winners. But I guess Reese Witherspoon was busy.”

Cheryl also said that “The Blind Side” star has moved back into her Hollywood Hills home she had before her marriage and is preparing for life again as a single Academy Award winner.

“Sandra has returned home to face the problem head-on. She isn’t the sort of woman to bury her head in the sand and hope it will all just go away. Instead, she is just going to bury her head in a bowl of Almond Joys and watch A Time to Kill and Crash on Blu-Ray.”

Sandra Bullock was unavailable for comment as she is on the set of her new movie. A sequel to the 2007 movie starring Brad Pitt, tentatively titled – The Assassination of Jesse James by the Best Actress award winner Sandra Bullock.

For his gun incident, Gilbert Arenas sentenced to 30 days of watching Wizards games.

Heath Care Reform Clears it's Final Hurdles

Now that health care reform has finally cleared and all the fixes and amendments are finally done, I can do a little gloating, just a little though. In all seriousness, #HCR as it's known in the Twitterverse has had and will have an immeasurable effect on the direction of our nation. I hope that we all sit up and take notice of not just the medical and political ramifications, but take notice of the social ones as well. Are we living in a post racial America? Are we one nation united in liberty and justice for all?

Friend or Foe? State your Biz...

In the coming months keep more of an eye than usual on the Mid-East, U.S. Israeli relations in particular. In what seems to be a ramp up to some sort of action in Iran be it further sanctions or military actions; what role will Israel play? As U.S. Israeli tensions are mounting over perceived snubs and the Israeli hard line in the Palestinian peace process, what role will Israel play?

SPIN into the Past: Ex-NBA Player, John Amaechi, Comes Out Of The Closet: “I Still Play Nintendo”

The NBA was dealt a huge blow to its “Machismo” image yesterday when former player, John Amaechi, revealed that he still plays Nintendo. This was done on the hills of the February 20 release of his upcoming book, entitled, “I Love Joysticks”.

John Amaechi said that this book is a huge weight off of him and that he could no longer hide who he really is.

“Whew!!! I needed this. You all don’t understand the relief that my inner person has now that I have gotten this off my chest. It was hard, but I am happy with my decision. Yes, I still play Nintendo. I realize now that this is something that I was born with. Don’t listen to people who say that playing Nintendo is a learned trait, because it’s not. With the negativity that is associated with this revelation, do you think people who play Nintendo choose to go through that? We don’t. We just want to sit in our basement, in front of our big screen, and play Tetris or Legend of Zelda.”

John formerly played for the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Orlando Magic, and the Utah Jazz. Several of his ex-teammates were asked how they felt about John’s breaking news.

“The fact that John has done this, maybe it will give others the confidence to come out and admit that they still play Nintendo as well. Whether they are retired or not,” voiced Grant Hill. Tracy McGrady said “My only concern is how my teammates perform on the floor. What they do in their personal life is of no concern to me. Just don’t try to play Nintendo with me.”

Perhaps the most famous athlete to first admit that she plays Nintendo, Martina Navratilova, praised Amaechi for his decision.

“It's hugely important for the kids so they don't feel alone in this world to know that they are not the only ones who love Nintendo. We are role models. We are adults, and we know we are not alone as far as playing video games, but kids don't know that," she said. "He will definitely help a lot of kids growing up to feel better about themselves when they get 47 and still love to play Super Mario Bros."

Lebron James, however, said he didn’t think that a player openly admitting to playing Nintendo can survive in the league.

“With teammates you have to be trustworthy, and if you play Nintendo and you are not admitting that you do, then you are not trustworthy," James said. "So that's like the No. 1 thing as teammates -- we all trust each other – if you play Nintendo then we all play Nintendo. You've heard of the in-room, locker room code. What happens in the locker room stays in there. How can we be teammates if you are playing Nintendo and I’m playing X-Box? It's a trust factor, honestly. A big trust factor"

John Amaechi says he knows that this will cause some eyebrows to start being raised like The Rock, but he feels that in the end, the NBA will be better off with people openly admitting what they do in their personal lives.

“Look, I know that this is something that initially is a big shock factor. But, I’m telling you, just wait until 6 years from now. Players, whether former or current, are going to be making headlines all over the country with their admissions of still playing video games. Then you’ll see. I mean it’s not like I’m coming out saying I’m a homosexual or something, I just love Nintendo.”

“I’m happy that John came out with that,” said Dwayne Wade. “It has given me the courage to come out the closet and admit that I still play Nintendo also. Me and my homies have all-night Nintendo parties. But we only play Tecmo Bowl and Double Dribble. Tetris or Legend of Zelda is totally gay.”

Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Tex.) shouts “bracket killer” to Bill Self and the Kansas Jayhawks

Tiger Woods to make his highly anticipated return to wife’s vagina

Tiger Woods, who hasn’t played with any female in public or private since a Thanksgiving-night car accident unleashed a slew of accounts on his marital infidelities that led to him taking a leave of absence from the bedroom, announced on Tuesday that he will indeed be making his return this season to his wife’s vagina.

The announcement means that Woods’ self-imposed exile is indeed over and he can return to mastering his wife in the bedroom like he’s done for years.

“Elin was my first major prize since becoming a celebrity and I view her and her body with great respect. After a long and needed time away from the course, I feel like I am finally ready to start my season on hers. Even through all of my mishaps, Elin has always been a special focus in my career and, as a professional, inside her is where I need to be. Even if it has been a while since I last played with her.”

Woods, 34, thus will forfeit all preparation for any other female course that he has previously championed throughout his career. Although he could have returned to several other of his conquests from his past, Tiger felt it was only right that he make his return to the sex game with his wife.

“I have undergone almost two months of inpatient therapy for my addiction to sex and I am still continuing that treatment,” Woods said. “Although I am returning to competition with Elin, I still have a lot of work to do to mend our relationship. I just hope that I can be the same Tiger with her between the sheets that she remembers.”

Eager for what Tiger’s return can do for them, Augusta National has offered to sponsor Woods with a luxury suite at their exclusive club for his return engagement with Elin.

“I would sincerely like to thank the Augusta National members and staff for their support to me and my return. I have such a deep appreciation for everything they did to make this such a spectacular event for Elin and I. And I plan on making this spectacular for them, also, by broadcasting it on live TV. Just so all the people out there who want to be like Tiger, can truly see how I maneuver my way through each hole.”

The best ever?

Every March 9th begs the question... was he the best ever?

Mars Marzo March!!

Happy March!

Bunning Strikes Himself Out!

Retiring GOP Senator from Kentucky caves on unemployment extension. "We cannot keep adding to the debt and passing the buck," Bunning said. "What matters is that we get our spending problems under control." Said Bunning Tuesday in Washington.

Michael Jordan buys Charlotte Bobcats; loses the team in a game of Tonk

USA loses the right to eat Canadian Bacon